


Why Hogwarts No Longer Accepts Superheroes

by WishingStar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 03:58:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2798723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishingStar/pseuds/WishingStar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sorting Hat meets the Avengers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Hogwarts No Longer Accepts Superheroes

**Author's Note:**

> So, I fully intended my first Marvel fic/first fic on AO3 to be the obligatory post-TWS Steve/Bucky reunion story I've been working on... then this crack happened. Hope you like.

Deputy Headmaster Nicholas McFury proudly surveyed the Great Hall, which was full of eager new faces. This crop of first-years held exceptional promise, if he did say so himself—he'd hand-picked them all. Well, most. Once the Sorting Hat finished its song, he cleared his throat and called the first name on the roster.

"Banner, Bruce!"

> _One head at a time,_ the Hat instructed mildly. _You'll all get your turn... I'm sorry, which one is "not you?" The Other Guy? Oh dear, I see it now... you'll want to get that checked out by a professional, my boy. But I digress... hmm, yes, with a mind like that, you've got to be in RAVENCLAW!_

"Barnes, James!"

> _Mmm, let me see. Courage and a ruthless streak, always an interesting combination. Impressive protective instincts. Enthusiastic mind. I could put you anywhere... no, I'm afraid I cannot hold off and Sort you after you've seen where your friend goes. But if friendship means that much to you, I suspect you'd do best in HUFFLEPUFF!_

"Barton, Clint!"

> _So you want to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, hmm? Seems to me... what's that? No. No, young man, we do not Sort students according to which House mascot is their favorite. I'm sorry, you're not going into Ravenclaw... Look, griffins have wings and talons, too. Yes, I know the Gryffindor mascot is a lion, but a griffin's half... why are we discussing this? GRYFFINDOR!_

"Coulson, Ph—Professor Coulson, why is your name on this list?"

> _I apologize, sir, but I cannot Sort Squibs. ...No, nor can I "just put you wherever Captain America goes." Next, please._

"Loki, son of... dammit, what is this scribble? I am locking up this list next year. Loki, whatever your father's name is, get up here and put on the—"

> _SLYTHERIN!_

"Thor, son of Odin!"

> _Finally, we're getting into the swing of things. GRYFFINDOR!_

"Rogers, Steve!"

> _You know, I was wondering when you'd turn up. Clearly another... eh?_ Not _Gryffindor? I'm sorry, did you hear my song correctly? Gryffindor's the House for bravery and chivalry and... ah. Bullies. I see. Understand, though, that's the thing about Sorting, every student values the traits of his own House, so in that sense they all think they're better than the others... well. In that case, there's really only one place for you, isn't there? HUFFLEPUFF—ah. You're welcome?_

"Romanoff, Natasha!"

"...Natasha Romanoff, are you in the hall?"

"...No, Miss Romanoff, there is no option to take a written exam instead of Sorting..."

"Miss Romanoff, you have exactly two choices. Either you put that hat on your head, or you put yourself on the next train back to Muggle London. What's it going to be? ...Thank you."

> _Now then, miss, let's peek inside your head, shall we... ahem. AHEM. What the—look. Please remind McFury that I am a hat, not a miracle worker and not a psychiatrist. I cannot make heads or tails of this, and no, that was not intended as a pun. Just tell me where you think you belong... fine by me. SLYTHERIN!_

"Stark, Tony!"

> _Oh goody, another Stark. Just when I thought my day couldn't get longer... Hold on, now, let me do my job, I'm seeing some Gryffindor qualities buried beneath... yes, yes, I can hear you, you want Ravenclaw... you know what? Fine. Have it your way. RAVENCLAW!_

"Wilson, Sam!'

> _Please tell me "Wilson" is last on the list. I swear, if I get one more argument... what's that? You want to know_ my _opinion? Why, what a novel idea! Very well... I'm seeing empathy, and lots of it... Hufflepuff suit your fancy? Thank God. HUFFLEPUFF. LATER, LOSERS, I'LL BE ON MY SHELF WITH A BOTTLE OF FIREWHISKEY, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT DROPPING BY TO VISIT—_


End file.
